Helping Children Make Choices

As children grow up, it is important to allow them to make choices and to help them understand the various choices available to them.

If we don’t allow children to make choices and don’t help show children the many choices available, they grow up often feeling trapped in a corner, as they don’t know how to see their choices.

There is a world of difference between appropriate and inappropriate choices. I remember a friend wanting to go visit her mother in another state and saying to her 3 year old “do you want to go visit grandma?” The 3 year old said no.

If a trip is planned, the 3 year old can be told where he/she will be going, but the 3 year old really does not have a choice or a voice in the decision of going on a trip.

An appropriate question about the trip would be, “you may bring one stuffed animal with us on the trip, which one would you like to bring?” It would also be appropriate to say “we’ll be going swimming at Grandma’s house, do you want to bring your blue bathing suit or your green one?”

I’ve seen many parents engage in battle in a restaurant with children. A young child can not handle the choice of every item on the menu. As the parent, you know what your child does and does not eat. Give the child two choices. “Do you want chicken or a hamburger tonight?” Asking a young child “what do you want to eat tonight?” allows more choices than a young child can handle. And what if your child decides he/she wants pizza and pizza is not one of the menu choices? Even as adults we do not always have unlimited choices. Often we must make a choice from 3 or 4 options.

Getting dressed in the morning was never an issue in our home. From the time my kids were old enough to choose their own clothes, I allowed that choice. Sometimes what they chose matched and sometimes it did not. I never found a problem in allowing clothing choices.

If you see your child struggling in making choices, give them fewer choices. For example, asking the child which stuffed animal they want to bring may present more choices than the child can process. Offer two choices. The child will either pick from the two, or the child might say “I don’t like those choices, I actually see another choice, the brown bear, and that’s what I want”. This is great if the child sees another choice. Haven’t many of us as adults looked back and wished we’d seen a different option, but we didn’t see it until after the fact?

Fast forwarding to preteen and teen years, children can actually understand and discuss the consequences of their choices. An example is when two invitations come in for the same day/night. They have to choose. This is often a very difficult choice. Helping the child see the pros and cons of each side can help the child reach a decision. Or perhaps the child needs to make an elective choice at school. Again, helping the child see the pros and cons can help the child reach a decision. For example, perhaps the child is looking at taking a foreign language in junior high as an elective. However they really want journalism also. This again, is a tough choice. How will the two choices affect high school? Is either choice one that can be postponed one year? These are choices I would never make for my child. But rather I would help them look at all angles so that they could make the decision. One year my daughter had to choose between cheerleading and the school musical. Both needed her after school and she could only do one. This was an extremely hard decision for her to make. She really wanted both. Her choice was the musical. One of the consequences we spoke about was that the coach of the junior high team was very close friends with the coach of the high school team and often helped coach the high school team. We knew that in high school making the cheer squad might not happen as a result of this choice.

When we help kids understand the many choices they have on a day to day basis, they seldom feel trapped in the corner with no choices.

Audrey :)
http://mytupperware.com/audreyoka