I got a phone call this past week. A popular t.v. show was doing a segment on divorce and they found the following article I wrote a while back. They really liked it. They thought it might be helpful to their viewers. So, I wanted to share the article with my readers.
When Parents Divorce Children Can Feel the Pain
Divorce is difficult for everyone. Divorce affects the two adults involved, plus their children, but it also affects extended family. Regardless of who “wins” custody, regardless of where the children live, these kids have two sides to their family.
The town I live in requires adults to take a class called “Child In The Middle” before a judge will sign the divorce petition.
I actually believe it would be in children’s best interests, if this was required in all towns. Even the most well meaning adults often, without realizing, put their children in the middle.
So, what are some of the things to avoid? Do not say to your child “go ask mommy” or “go ask daddy”. It is not up to the child to be a go between. It is up to the two adults to speak directly to each other, or through their attorneys if they can not communicate. When a child is asked to be a go between, and should one of the parents get upset with the message, the child feels they somehow are responsible, when they are just an innocent messenger.
Do not ask your child about your ex spouses new girlfriend or boyfriend. The kids are just as uncomfortable with this as you are. They don’t want another mother, or another father. They don’t want to have to betray you by liking the new person in their parent’s life. So make it easy on them. Don’t ask.
Don’t put your child in the position of ever having to choose. Remember one of you is mom and one of you is dad. It is unfair at the least to ask a child to choose. You both brought this child into the world. At one time it was fine for the child to love you both. Make it ok for the child to love you both today too.
Don’t speak poorly of the child’s other parent. Remember it was joint love that brought this child into the world. That child feels they are a part of both of you. If you speak poorly of the child’s other parent, the child takes it personally.
Do let your child know how sorry you are that they have to go to two homes, learn two addresses etc.
Do let your child know you will do everything you can to support their relationship with the other parent.
Do listen to your children. They often will guide you to let you know what they need.
Audrey :)
http://mytupperware.com/audreyoka
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5 comments:
I can't help but think of what I have heard Dr. Phil say in the past about you aren't ready to divorce until you are past all the hurt and anger. It is great your town at least makes people stop and consider what they are doing to the kids.
Great article. Our county requires a "parenting" type class before your divorce can be final, too.
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Audrey, thanks for commenting for my giveaway!
Great advice, Audrey. Thanks for sharing the article.
Speaking as one of those "extended family members", I will strongly agree on the fact that everyone can be affected...not just the couple getting the divorce or their children. I love how you pointed this aspect of divorce out because it isn't something that is often immediately considered, if ever.
For example, my son, Patrick, was very close to his cousin..I'll refer to him as C. When C's parents(my husband's brother and his wife) divorced, suddenly Patrick was not able to see C as much because he was only able to spend time with him when the daddy had him. C's mom not only did not make it easy for us to see C, but eventually forbid any contact with C while he was in her custody. Patrick's relationship with C has suffered as a result. Things are a bit better now, but still very rocky....they've lost so much of their special bond that may never be the same again.
I loved your tips for making the transition easier. It can't be easy, even in the best circumstances :(.
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